The Lost Priest: Shorts
by Millie M. Banshee
Summary: These are a collection one shots from my HS & TB xover. You will die laughing trust me. Now these are side stories & have noththing really to do with actual LP. This is to celebrate that made a story over 20 chapters long so, please enjoy.
1. Time Warp Twins

The Lost Priest: Shorts

Chapter 1

Time Warp Twins

(A/N It's finally here. With some help from my friend Vicantis the shorts are now finally up. These are short stories that will NEVER appear in the actual Lost Priest. These are just for fun and are totally random. These are purely for laughs. So please enjoy.)

**SOUNDS/sounds**

_Thoughts_

_**Telepathy**_

* * *

Walter sat in front of a large computer along with few other people with their own computers. They were given permission to look over some the forgotten files that were pretty much abandoned after the Armageddon in hopes of finding a way to defeat Millennium. However, some of the passwords weren't on the list that the Albion government provided for them, but Abel had that part covered. He wrote down some of the passwords he remembered from when it was a commander.

Walter was looking over the new list and started typing one in at a time to see what password works his collection of files. He made sure to mark what password opened what files. However, there was one file he could not open. The title was "Private-Keep Out." None of the passwords that Albion or Abel listed could open it. He stared at for a while, trying to think if he missed one on the list when he felt someone walk up behind him.

"Having trouble," Alucard said, looking down at Walter.

"It seems we still don't have all the passwords," Walter sighed, taking off his monocle to clean it. "I've tried every password I have and nothing seems to work. Oddly enough a lot of files I have were created for or even created by Abel."

"Here's a clue if I were Abel and created a file that says 'Private-Keep Out' I don't think I'd be handing out the password," Alucard chuckled. "And since it is 'Private' it most likely meant he created that password himself to keep others out."

"And now that you've put it that way, perhaps it would be best if I just skipped over it," Walter said, getting ready to go to the next file.

"Aren't you the least bit curious as to what the Crusnik has in there," Alucard said, pulling the keyboard over to him. "Now if I were Abel—"

"He'd shoot you pointblank," Walter said but Alucard rolled his eyes.

"Let's try Lilith first," Alucard said, typing the word and hit enter. "Wow, denied. Surprising enough. Maybe his own name. Nope. Got any ideas?"

"Yeah, keep your nose out," Walter said. "Besides we don't know much about him as a child."

"What the priest doesn't know won't hurt us," the nosferatu grinned. "His favorite color is blue. That's not it either. It's not his brother or sister's name."

"If you're starting off with simple passwords let me give some advice," Walter said, taking the keyboard back. "Sometimes the password is so obvious it's really hard. In fact it can even be right in front of our faces."

Walter typed in an eight letter word and hit enter, and the file opened without any problems. Alucard laughed. Of course that would be something Abel would think of. The best place to hide something would be in plain sight. The password was "password" and it was written in bright bold red letters. Alucard had to laugh at that.

"What made you think of that," Alucard mused as Walter opened a My Video folder.

"I learned that a while ago. Integra wanted me to make her a password for her personal computer and I tried to think of something really hard but simple to remember," Walter said, scrolling down all the videos. "No one would think of putting password for their password normally so…"

"Hold on. Go back a little," Alucard said as Walter scrolled up. "Right there. The one titled '_so wrong_' let's see what that is."

Walter shrugged and clicked on the file and a video popped in a new window. At first all that was visible was the camera moving through the halls. Then the person holding the camera turned it around to show herself.

**"Hi, everyone Lilith here. For the last two days Cain and Abel have been hiding in an old meeting room,"** she said, still moving down the hall with camera on her. **"I walked by there about 10 minutes ago and heard music playing just behind the door. I peaked in and saw something that'll go down in history. I can only hope and pray they're still doing it when I get there. This is great and I have to get this on video."**

The camera then turned back around as she neared a closed door.

**"If you listen very carefully you can hear their voices. I'm going to have to be very quiet and see what all they're up to,"** the door slowly opened just enough to get the lens of camera through the crack.

Inside the camera picked up Abel and Cain about 12 years old arguing at each other.

**"One more time, c'mon,"** Abel said, trying to pull is brother off the floor.

**"Nien, nien, I've had enough,"** Cain moaned as he laid flat on the floor with Abel pulling on his arm. "**Did ya ever vonder vhy zey fall at ze end of ze song? It takes a lot of energy."**

**"You're just being lazy,"** Abel grumbled. **"Just more time. I swear! I won't bother you again."**

**"Fine but zis is ze last time,"** Cain said, getting up and walked over to his small laptop. **"I never should have downloaded zis soundtrack."**

**"Yes, they're going to do it again,"** Lilith whispered. **"This is going to so funny and I'm getting all of it on video!"**

Alucard and Walter just stared bug-eyed at the screen, watching the two pre-teens take a jump to left, then a step the right, putting their hands on their hips, bring their knees in tight, and doing the pelvic thrust. To top it off they were even singing along! No wonder why this was under "Private-Keep Out." Oh, man, if they ever wanted to blackmail one of them this would be the video.

"Walter, make a copy," Alucard laughed, patting the butler on the shoulder. "I know quite a few people who would like to see this! 'Let's do the Time Warp again.' This is priceless."

* * *

(Later that night)

Cain and Abel were working on a set of computer files in a room by themselves when they heard a knock on the door. Abel got up and answered it to reveal Alucard with a camera.

"What is it," Cain snorted, turning around to see who it was. "We're busy. Don't you have someone else to bother?"

"Nice to see you too," Alucard grinned as Cain grunted.

"What do you need," Abel spoke in much friendlier tone.

"Well, I was wondering if I could get a picture of you two actually working together," Alucard said, holding a camera. "I mean this may be a onetime thing. I'm sure you would like to keep a copy."

"No (thank you)," they both said in unison but only Abel said the thank you.

"Just one quick picture that's all," Alucard said, turning on the camera and setting it on a tripod. "It won't take a minute, I swear."

"Fine, just get it over with," Cain growled, standing up and stood beside Abel. "How's this?"

"Not quite. You're not in frame, Cain," Alucard said. "Can you two just jump to left for me."

The two did so as Alucard looked down at the screen on the camera and shook his head.

"Take a slight step to the right," Alucard spoke as stepped to the right. "That's good. Right there. Now, put your hands on your hips."

They started to do so but pause just before their hands even touched their waists. Their eyes were wide open. There was something very wrong here. Jump left, step right, and hands on hips? He couldn't have seen that, could he? It was supposed to be deleted centuries ago. Alucard knew they caught on to him by the look on their faces.

"And bring your knees in ti-hi-hi-ight, but it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane! Let's do the Time Warp agaaaaain! Let's do the Time Warp agaaaaain," Alucard sang, grabbing the camera and disappeared into thin air.

He left the Crusnik twins standing there in shock, with their mouths hung up, slumped over, and thier eyes the size of saucers. He did find it after all. But how?

"I thought I told you to delete that video," Cain bit out at Abel.

"Me? I told you to delete the video," Abel barked back.

"It was under your stuff and didn't know the password so, I told you get rid of it," Cain protested.

"I told you the password was 'password,'" Abel hissed. "How hard could that be?"

"Who uses 'password' for a password is a total idiot," Cain yelled fiercely at his brother. "You hear me an idiot!"

"I got the idea from you, you idiot," Abel snapped, getting right in Cain's face! "You were the one who told me to do that in the first!"

Cain just stared at Abel and mentally hit himself. He even used 'password' for his own passwords. That's great he could called himself an idiot and told Abel to do the same with his passwords and he didn't even think to use "password." That was a damn good password.

* * *

Alucard handed Walter the camera. It was a video camera not a still camera. He had recorded the brothers doing half of the Time Warp at least. Walter removed the footage from the camera and put into an editing program and added the new footage to the end of Abel and Cain's first Time Warp video. Walter rendered it out and made a copy on a disc and handed it to Alucard.

"Can you make some more copies," Alucard asked, looking at the shinny disc in his gloved hands.

"As many as you need," Walter said with a chuckle. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Every minute of it," Alucard said, vanishing again.

* * *

(The following day)

The following day Cain and Abel walked into the council room with some papers and a few discs on what they found on Millennium. They paused in the door as they saw everyone standing in a straight line with particular grins spread across their faces. The line ranging from Catherina, Asta, Integra, Seras, Ion, Esther, Mirka, Hugue, Anderson, Alucard, Walter, and even Tres. They had a bad feeling about this. Alucard didn't show them the video, did he? The pits of their stomach turned icy cold.

"Let's do the Time Warp agaaaaain! Let's do the Time Warp agaaaaain!" the group chorused in unison kicking their legs and waving their arms.

"It's just a jump to the left," August said from a corner not far from them.

"And a step to the ri-hi-hi-hi-hi-ight," the group sang swaying their arms across and tapping their feet to the right before finally taking the actual step.

"Put your hands on your hips," Maxwell spoke from other side of the room.

"And bring your knees in ti-hi-hi-ight, but it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane! Let's do the Time Warp agaaaaain! Let's do the Time Warp agaaaaain!" the group finished the last of the steps and collapsed to the floor.

Only to have Cain and Abel follow right after face first, out cold, from embarrassment and shock.

"Should we tell them we made over 50 copies," Walter whispered to Alucard.

"Oh, they'll find soon enough," Alucard said. "Did you record all this, Augusta?"

"Every minute of it. I'll make sure to have someone do a better editing job but this will turn out to be a very good video," Augusta laughed. _Lilith, if only you could see this now! Hahahaha! That was great!_

(A/N Well, that was the first chapter. If you didn't know the Time Warp dance and song came from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Great movie and a cult classic. Well, review if you can please!)

Millie M. Banshee


	2. When Maxwell Met Paula

The Lost Priest: Shorts

Chapter 2

When Maxwell met Paula

(A/N This one is going to be… Well, interesting. But hopefully it will leave you with a good laugh.)

**SOUNDS/sounds**

_Thoughts_

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

THEY had sent him, Enrico Maxwell, away. Those monsters and heathens told him to take a holiday. In other words so the man could see another day before THEY killed him. He needed to get way from them as much as they needed to get way from him. So, they sent him to the one place he would be comfortable; to Rome of course.

Maxwell came off of the large airship at the Vatican Airbase. The wheelchair was becoming a nuisance. He would like to walk on this own two feet. In any case he was in Rome and away from those vampires and heathens. Perhaps this wasn't so bad after all.

He waited for his escort to arrive. He looked around the large airfield and let out a long sigh. How long was he going to wait? A moment later he heard the sounds of high-heel boots lightly clicking on the asphalt. He looked to his right and saw thin tall woman clad in a red with a large cross printed on the fabric. High rise leather boots and gloves clung tightly to her skin. Her eyes were a smoky green and her light colored hair was cut short with a headband wrapped around.

She stopped before him, bowing. He studied this woman before him. Was this woman his escort? Oh, yes, this wasn't going to be so bad after all, if this was his escort. He wouldn't mind, not one little bit.

"Archbishop Enrico Maxwell, I'm Sister Paula Souwauski," She said in a proud clear voice. "I'm second-in-command of the Inquisition and I will be your escort for the next 3 days."

He wasn't going to complaining about this arrangement. He nodded his head at her in a greeting. She looked like a stern woman with an iron will. He could tell she was ruthless warrior from the way she carried herself.

"A good day to you, Sister," Maxwell grinned. "How is Rome holding up during this dark time?"

"Rome is holding up a strong front against Millennium, your Grace," She said, guiding him to a sleek black car where another man dressed in red opened the back door. "I will be giving you a tour of Rome. I know a lot of things have changed since your time."

"So I've heard. Even the Vatican itself has changed, and not to mention traditions in the Church as well," Maxwell said as the Paula and the driver helped him inside the car. "I look forward to seeing this new Rome."

"I can assure you, your Grace, you will not be disappointed," she said as she closed the door.

She had no idea just how true those were. Over the course of those three days Maxwell saw all he ever wanted to see. He enjoyed himself, perhaps a little too much. He even got to see just how much of a warrior Paula was during his stay. He didn't want to leave but sadly he had to Brother Petros ended up being his new escort when he got back on airship at the Vatican Airbase. His trip to Rome ended on a sweet and sour note.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

(The New Human Empire.)

Everyone knew Maxwell was coming back any minute now but they were too busy with Millennium to be bother will him. So Baibars did the honors of picking him up and escorting him back to the palace. When he rolled into the council room everyone in there grew very quiet.

"What happened to you?" Integra blurted out, looking at the nice shiner Maxwell was sporting along with a broken nose.

"I'd rather not say," Maxwell grumbled, rolling passed her to his usual spot.

Everyone shrugged. It was Maxwell after he so, probably deserved the messed up face. They started to get back to work, bringing him up to speed as to what had been going on while he was gone.

A few minutes later Alucard waltz into the room with a glass of blood in his hand. He saw that Maxwell was back and noticed his new looks. Alucard took sip of his blood as he invaded Maxwell's mind to see what happened to earn him such a makeover. HOLY SHIT!

He almost choked on the blood in his mouth and quickly spat it out, spraying an unsuspecting Cain in the back of the head. The Crusnik jumped in surprise and whipped around and landed a hard punch to Alucard's nose, sending him into the wall.

"ASSHOLE!" Cain bit out and marched out of the room, trailing blood as he went.

"Wow, okay, what just happened," Esther asked, seeing the last of Cain disappear from the doorway before turning back to Alucard.

"Are you all right, Master?" Seras asked, walking up to Alucard as he just stared at Maxwell wide eyed. "Master Alucard, what's the matter?"

"I-I don't believe it," Alucard said, pointing at Maxwell before a wicked grin split his face. "You lucky dog! That was some trip to Rome you had!"

"SHUT UP!" Maxwell yelled. "DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANY THING MORE!"

"Oh, I've got to hear all about this," Abel said, sitting down. "Please continue, Alucard."

"Yes, Ah tae would like tae hear 'bout this," Anderson spoke up, glancing at Maxwell.

Everyone was now focused on Alucard. Maxwell was turning a nice shade of red and it was quickly turning purple.

"AHAHAHA! Maxwell got laid," Alucard blurted out as glasses, papers, books, disks, and other items fell out of people's hands as they stood there in shock. "By someone named Sister Paula no less!"

"S-say what?" Catherina choked out as her chin hit the floor.

"Yep, and that moment was quick lived when someone name Brother Petros walked in and let him have it real good!" Alucard stated loudly. "Petros escorted him back to the airship that following morning! HAHAHA! I never thought you had in you, Maxwell!"

Everyone was now facing the Archbishop or where he had been to be more precise. Somehow, he managed to sneak out the back door without anyone noticing. He had to balls to do what he did in Rome but he didn't have the balls to stay to receive the crude jokes and comments from everyone else.

"Chicken shit," Asta snorted. "Can't even stay and take the criticism."

"What I want to know is how he managed to do that, considering his health before he left for Rome," Walter mused. "I mean he does have a quite few busted bones, I would think that would hurt."

"Oh, it did, considering the Sister was on top," Alucard said in sing-song voice.

"Okay, Alucard, that's enough! Too much information," Augusta cried out.

(A/N Perhaps not my funniest story but enough to get a chuckle out of, I hope. See y'all later!)

Millie M. Banshee


End file.
